


My Broken Bones Are Mending

by bechsaetre



Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bipolar Disorder, Bipolar Medication, Depressive Episode, Evak - Freeform, Even Bech Næsheim Backstory, F/M, Falling In Love, Happy Ending, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Manic Episode, Nsfw content, POV Even Bech Næsheim, POV First Person, Season 3 From Even's POV, Therapy, Well Managed Mental Illness
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-01
Updated: 2020-07-12
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:42:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23942530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bechsaetre/pseuds/bechsaetre
Summary: Even's POV: after facing a long-term battle with mental illness, internalized homophobia and surviving a suicide attempt, Even Bech Næsheim drops out of Elvebakken in his senior year for a fresh start at Nissen. There, he meets Isak Valtersen, the handsome young man (who he believes to be out of his league) that will change his world view and the way he feels about himself. Despite the challenges that he's facing, falling for this new boy might heal all of his broken pieces.Note: This is following all canon events from SKAM; this just gives a window into Even's internal thoughts. Not fictionalized and doesn't stray from canon plot.Another Note: used to be called "In His Lips I Taste My Revival"
Relationships: Even Bech Næsheim/Isak Valtersen, Even Bech Næsheim/Sonja (SKAM)
Comments: 8
Kudos: 21





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warnings: mention/brief description (not graphic) of suicide attempt, inclusion of bipolar meds and therapy, mental illness hospitalization, internalized homophobia  
> Spoiler Alert, though: happy ending, healing, overcoming internalized homophobia, well-managed mental illness and falling in love
> 
> Chapter Notes:  
> This is a facebook wall; no other chapters will be done this way. This just sets up Even's past.

**Facebook Wall** **of: Even Bech Næsheim**

* * *

March 26, 2016 Update - 02:24

Lot when he said to his people, "Do you commit such immorality as no one has preceded you with from among the worlds? Indeed, you approach men with desire, instead of women. Rather, you are a transgressing people.”

March 26, 2016 Update - 02:47

If two men among you are guilty of lewdness, punish them both.

March 27, 2016 Update - 09:52  
This sin, the impact of which makes one’s skin crawl, which words cannot describe, is evidence of perverted instincts, total collapse of shame and honor, and extreme filthiness of character and soul… The angels shudder as they anticipate the punishment of Allah to descend upon the people who commit this indescribable sin.

* * *

* * *

April 2, 2016 Update - 16:49

Even Bech Næsheim has removed Elvebakken Skole from Education.

April 2, 2016 Update - 16:56

Even Bech Næsheim has made this profile private.

* * *

* * *

April 4, 2016 - 03:22

Friend Count: 254

April 4, 2016 - 03:54

Friend Count: 249

* * *

* * *

April 10, 2016 Update - 14:11

To my dearest Sonja,

Happy anniversary. I’m so happy that we’ve spent these years together. The way you understand me and love me in the good times and the difficult times is irreplaceable. Tusen takk for alt. Jeg elsker deg. <3, Even

  * Comment from Sonja: Jeg elsker deg og <3



* * *

* * *

April 22, 2016 Update - 08:19

Even Bech Næsheim’s linked instagram account “sleepistheczn2dth” has been deleted.

April 22, 2016 Update - 08:22

This profile has been deleted.

* * *


	2. Their Names Swallowed Him Whole

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even works through some of his issues with his therapist as he prepares to start the new school year. Sonja is by his side to reassure him while so many changes are happening at once. But the separation from who used to be his closest friends makes him realize a half-blessing he wasn't counting on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger and Content Warnings: brief description (not graphic) of suicide attempt, therapy, bipolar disorder, psychiatric hospitalization, explicit internalized homophobia

Even was resting his chin in his hands and staring at the glass coffee table in front of him. He thought about her words. _What did he want to get out of today’s session?_ He felt a bit of pressure to come up with an answer that wouldn’t make today’s appointment a waste of her time.

“I think…” He started without really having a clear sense of where his sentence was going. He sighed and sucked it up. He should just say it out loud, slowly. “I want to talk about my attempt.”

Molly, his therapist, put her pen down and looked up at him. He’d never actually let their previous sessions go there. They’d kept it to the aftermath of falling out with his friends, his obsession with reading the Quran, his relationship with Sonja, dropping out of Elvebakken…

Being hospitalized as an inpatient was how Even started seeing her, but he’d never talked to her about the attempt itself. Just the lead up and some of the aftermath. Well- he’d left out some key information, but…he wasn’t even going to go _there_ yet.

“If you are willing to, I think that could really relieve the stress you’re feeling,” she said kindly. Her energy was calm and the room was settled. Even was worried, though, that if he started going into detail that the room would change. It would become suffocating. But, he pushed that thought out of his head. _I really should just let it out_ , he thought.

“It was back when I fell out of touch with my friends,” He said slowly, picking at the knee wrinkles in his pants. He glued his eyes to his lap so he didn’t have to make eye contact with her, but tried to continue even though he wasn’t sure where to start.

Even realized he should clarify further, as he and his friends had fallen out of touch kind of gradually, and then very suddenly.

“It was after that time where everything was _so_ good,” his voice said, numbly. “I felt like… I could do anything, you know? I felt like no matter what I did everything would work out; invincible.” He paused trying to find the right way to phrase it. “But I couldn’t sleep- like, ever… So, I started reading a lot and that’s when I started reading the Quran… a lot.”

Out of the corner of my eye, Even saw Molly nod and she picked up her pen and started writing.

“Which you already know about,” he continued on, feeling very awkward and self-conscious. He became incredibly aware of his body language and facial expressions. Even wondered if he made a wrong move or changed his emotions a certain way if she would think he was lying to her. But he tried to ignore that and continue. “And even though I felt good, it also became kind of…” He searched for the right word-“Sinister?”-and then paused again. Even felt like that was wording it weird, but it was how it felt at the time. It’s hard to rationalize and describe what an episode is like once it’s over, though.

“What aspects of it make you describe it as sinister?” Molly asked curiously.

Even sighed and adjusted himself on the couch. He leaned his elbows into his lap and played with his hands, but looked at he when he spoke.

“It was like… everything was okay. Like there were no rules, nothing applied to me. So I started drinking a lot friends outside of my regular group and with Sonja sometimes. I started skipping school and blowing off doing homework. My parents were getting frustrated with me because I never cleaned up anything that I did and just went from one thing to another- or I’d accidentally wake them up at 3 o’clock in the morning doing all the dishes or reorganizing the house because that would suddenly be important to me. And I started staying out really late and sometimes all night. So they got really worried about me- and, yeah…” 

Molly nodded and as she did so, Even realized that he’d told her hints of these things before, just not all together.

“So,” he continued. “It kind of hit an all-time high and I was out with Elias and Yousef and those guys- and Mikael was there too. And I don’t know, we just got drunk and I think I just wanted to do something crazy, I think.” Even tried to hide his expressions. God, it was painful to recount this night yet _again_. It already played through his mind a lot, despite him doing everything he could to think about other things. “But, I kissed him-“ he suddenly got nervous, “I think it was just as a joke, I don’t remember. But, obviously, he’s very religious- so it really caught him off guard and- and- he kinda pushed me away from him and I should’ve seen it coming, but-“ Even gestured a waving hand in front of his own eyes to demonstrate. “I was a bit, out of it… but yeah it was kind of ‘what the fuck, man?’ ‘what are you doing?’ and I wasn’t really able to hear that out; I took off actually.”

Molly’s eyebrows were pulled close together as she looked at Even. He didn’t try to read her expression; he was becoming less fearful of Molly’s possible negative reactions as she hadn’t shown a single one in any of his appointments.

“Do you remember what happened or where you went after that? After you left Mikael, Elias and Yousef and them?” She asked. If she didn’t believe what he’d said just before then, she didn’t let on. He'd been fighting the shadows at the edges of his mind for so long, but the sound of their names swallowed him whole.

Even nodded and ran over his legs as he spoke. He talked much slower now, “I actually went home. And I couldn’t sleep that night at all. I felt… a little all over the place, I guess. But I wrote a lot to try to… process everything.” He looked up and Molly nodded slowly. Even cleared his throat.

“When we went back to school,” He sitting back deeper into the couch. “It had been a couple days, and everything had changed, you know. I, well I didn’t know it at the time, but I had come off a manic episode and hit a depressive one. And I didn’t want to see my friends. I didn’t even want to go, but my mom talked me into it, you know. She was worried I was hungover from being out and I wanted to prove that I wasn’t because she looked so disappointed. But… when I got to school, I didn’t know whether things with my friends were going to be normal, like they hadn’t changed… or really bad. And things were really bad…”

This was it. It finally happened.

It was like the rush of comfort that Even had been holding in his chest was about to disappear.

“And,” he sighed, extremely insecure. “I found a bunch of pills from my parents’ medicine cabinet… and combined it with all the alcohol that I could find. And I crawled into my bed to fall asleep.”

Molly nodded, concerned but not about to interrupt or call someone to take him away. He finally felt like he could breathe- but only for a second.

“And then I woke up in the hospital,” Even said slowly. “My mom told me she was the one who found me, but I never asked her anything else. I can’t imagine…” he let himself trail off slowly. He ran a hand over his eyebrow nervously and brought his legs close together. He had felt better after saying the previous sentence aloud, _finally._ But thinking about that day for his mom made him regret opening up about the whole event. But it was important and he knew that.

Molly smiled in a reassuring way and all her words for the rest of the visit came out just as calm as they had before.

Walking out of his appointment, Even pulled his phone out of his pocket and clicked it to see his notifications. He had two messages from Sonja. He smiled to himself and opened them and responded immediately.

Even turned the door handle and let himself inside, kicking off his shoes at the mat, not bothering to untie them first.

“Even, is that you darling?” Sigrid, Even’s mother called from the living room.

“Yeah, hi mamma,” Even responded cheerfully.

“How was your appointment with Molly?” She asked.

Even made his way around the hallway to see her reading a book on the couch. The tv was on in front of her, the volume turned very low. She liked having background noise while home alone.

“Good,” he said, giving a small smile. He didn’t want to get her many details about it because obviously the main topic of their session was something he didn’t really want to remind her of. He walked to the couch and leaned in to kiss her on the cheek and then sat down next to her.

“That’s good, then,” his mom rested her hand on his knee for a moment. “So it’s helping?”

“Yes,” Even nodded slowly, leaning back. He let the last little bit of tense adrenaline pour through him, specifically in his back, as he sunk his body into the couch.

“And how are your medications going now? Did you talk about it today?” She inquired, giving his knee a little rub before closing her book and putting it down.

“Nei,” he said, closing his eyes. “Not today. But I think they’re doing good. I’ve been feeling more even recently.”

“That’s good,” she gave him a soft grin. “You seem more carefree recently. I’ve missed that.”

Even opened his eyes and looked back at her.

“I’m going to meet Sonja in the park for some food in a little bit,” he said. He knew she wasn’t going to stop him but he still wanted her to say that it was a good idea. It was foolish, but sometimes it was nice to hear from others that even the smallest of choices were good ones. There had been other times, like he explained to Molly, where things seemed fine to him but it made others worried. In the moment it seemed hard to differentiate the two.

“Good,” Sigrid was pleasantly surprised. “How is Sonja? She hasn’t been over for dinner in a little bit.”

Even’s heart dropped a little. She was right. It had become a bit hard on Even to hear Sonja’s stories about working and thinking about the freedom she had now that she’d graduated since he had to go back and repeat his third year. It made Even feel self-conscious. And behind.

“It’s good to soak up some summer weather before the school year begins, right?” His mom’s voice brought him back to the current conversation.

“Yeah, I think that’s what Sonja is thinking too,” Even said, taking a deep breath before standing up. “I’m gonna head over.”

“Of course,” she gave him a nod. “Have fun and say hello.”

“I will.” Even grabbed his bag and headed to his room to unpack it. After he took out his things he needed for the morning, he packed a bit of chocolate and then swung through the kitchen and got two mini chilled wines. He took two bananas out of the fruit bowl and packed those as well.

“Okay, I’ll see you,” Even said.

“What time do you think you’ll come home? Or do you think you’ll be out for the night?” Sigrid asked, still immersed in her book.

“I’m not sure,” Even said. “I can text you to keep you updated?”

“Okay, just let me know,”

“I will. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Even slung his bag over his shoulder and headed out the door. He made his way down the street to the bus stop. He had about eight minutes before the next one would come so he leaned against the pole and pulled his phone out to kill the time.

He felt a nagging curiosity make its way to the front of his mind. He tried to never be left alone with his thoughts for too long because these feelings arose too often. After a moment of hesitating, Even went to instagram to check his old friends’ profiles. He was a bit desperate to see if they’d said anything about him. If they were still hanging out without him. If they were better off without him. If they had new inside jokes he wasn’t a part of. If they were indirecting him. If they were making fun of him.

He clicked- and then he saw it. 

Even’s heart sank immediately. He’d promised himself that he wouldn’t go looking. He knew that it was a bad idea and that it would only make him feel worse. It was one of the reasons he deleted his instagram in the first place. But sometimes the desire to know ate away at him until he caved. But it hurt so deeply regardless.

His chest filled with guilt and regret immediately. He felt so stupid and out of line. It was months ago, but he thought about it everyday- he never should’ve kissed Mikael. He knew it was wrong and that his friends were right for pushing him away. That’s what hurt the most. They were right. It would be too complicated and uncomfortable to be around that. He felt a lump in his throat as he thought back on that night again. His conversation with Molly today had brought up a whole new wave of stress into him; he found that a bit ironic because therapy was supposed to make him feel better, right?

He felt a wave of aversion pour through his veins. It helped that he’d been cut off from his friends, especially Mikael, after the kiss. It helped him remember the consequences of what letting those feelings develop further would mean. He didn’t have to be surrounded by memories of that, or be around Mikael. It was good for him. He could finally be on the right track.

The bus he was waiting for pulled up to the stop and he boarded. Even found an empty seat and sat down still looking at his phone. He closed instagram and opened up a mind numbing game to play while he waited for his stop.

When the bus got there, Even gathered his things and exited. He made his way around a couple blocks before he entered the park. Almost immediately he saw Sonja, in a short jumpsuit that showed off her legs, stretched out on a blanket in the sun. She didn’t even need to be facing even for him to know she looked beautiful. He made his way up behind her before leaning down and kissing the top of her head.

“Hey!” Sonja made a high-pitch giggle in surprise.

“Hi,” Even said as he sat down on the blanket next to her. She leaned over to him and she cupped the side of his face gently. They leaned in for a long, slow kiss. Even felt her thumb trace his jaw, so familiar. He immediately felt calmer.

“How are you?” Sonja asked as she opened the bag she’d brought and handed Even a sandwich.

Even took the sandwich and placed it in his lap for the moment. “Good. Better now that I’m here with you.” He winked at her playfully.

Sonja looked at him so contentedly, he felt like all of his bad feelings that had been brought back up in his therapy appointment would have to melt away soon. He’d gotten used to her constantly worrying about him and checking on him; he loved seeing her so relaxed and happy. Even frequently worried that he didn’t bring her anything but stress. How she could still pretend he didn’t bother her, he didn’t know.

Even took the first bite of his sandwich and smiled back at her trying to seem just as happy as she was. Joy was just so easy for her; and that was impossible for him to understand. And even though he’d felt all up and down today, and he was really trying to stay up, he let his heart feel the truth- the only reason Sonja was still with him is because she thought he was too weak to make it without her.

“I brought you a surprise,” she said with a grin that showed off her slight dimples. Even raised his eyebrows at her. She reached to grab a small container and opened it up: two pieces of cheesecake were inside. It made him smile that they were this many years in and she found little ways of surprising him and doing kind things for him without reason.

Even moved the cheesecake out of the way which confused Sonja at first until he pulled her into him and kissed her deeply. They ran their hands through each others’ hair. “That’s a nice surprise, too,” she added as she leaned her head down to rest it on her arms in front of her.

“Hm?” He replied.

“You, you’ve just been a bit distant lately,” she played with his shirt absentmindedly. “It’s just nice to have you close again.”

Even’s stomach dropped a bit. He hadn’t even noticed that he was letting on to those faltering feelings to anyone but himself. It must’ve been true- his other suspicion that was rising in the back of his mind. Part of Even knew that Sonja was a safe space; they were always there for each other. She’d seen him truly at his lowest and tried her best to always keep up with him when he he swung the other way to his highest and couldn’t sleep, stop talking and/or not constantly want her. Staying with her meant he had a safety net. And he knew it wasn’t fair. Probably even selfish. But if she was happy to be with him then it couldn’t be that bad. If she was willing to be with him it couldn’t be that bad. If she was with him at all, he desperately hoped it couldn’t be that bad.

He’d blinked a few times. Instead of answering or addressing her, he leaned into her once more and they kissed heavily.

“Even, stop,” Sonja giggled and smiled. “There are people who will stare.”

Even looked around. He only saw one family in the park with three little kids and they were walking the other way. “There’s no one here. We’re okay.”

Sonja looked around for herself. Apparently agreeing with Even’s assessment, she leaned into him again. They lazily curled into each other and talked about nothing while they started with the surprise cheesecake and worked their way through the rest of the basket of food slowly over the greater part of an hour.

No one else they had to talk to; nowhere else they had to be. He could just chill. He didn't have to worry about the weird feelings he started having around Mikael. His jealousy just somehow morphed into something much more nauseating. He knew it was sick. He knew one day he would tell Molly about it and they could work on that problem together. But Even wasn't ready to share one of the darkest parts of him to her yet. He could tell that they had a safe bond, he felt pretty safe in her office most of the time- he didn't want to wreck that. But he probably wouldn't have to. He wasn't going to see Mikael anymore. He wouldn't have to have those prickly feelings brought up anymore.

"When does Nissen start?" Sonja asked carelessly. Even tried to hide his embarrassment; he hated that he was a year behind in his entire life plan now.

"Ehmm," he hastily ran through dates in his mind. "The fifteenth, I think."

"Does it feel too close or too far?" she leaned her head against her hand that was propped up by her elbow.

Even shrugged, no longer in the mood, "Neither... or both, maybe." He rolled away from her to be flat on his back. He suddenly had a wave of anxiety hit him in the chest and wash over his body. He didn't want to give in and let his lip quiver, so he rubbed his hand up and down his chest to calm himself.

"I think it'll be good, y'know," she said, not acknowledging the fact that he'd pulled away from her and remaining cheerful. "You'll have a fresh start. You'll have some more time... to think about everything... and y'know..." She trailed off.

Even really wanted to respond that _no, he didn't know_ , but it would get him nowhere. She wanted to view this as a positive thing and for him to as well. She couldn't handle any more of his negativity; he had to stop giving it to her. He breathed out and kept rubbing his chest.

One thought overtook the rest of the noise in his head: _Sonja was his only friend left in the world._


End file.
